Snotty Funny Status Messages

   BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today

   Relationships are all about finding someone that notices all of your faults and reminds you about them daily.

   The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth............... Steve Buscemi

   We should just "pile on" and ask Chris Christie about the Velveeta shortage...

   My refrigerator beeps for a problem, but it has trouble being more specific... "What's that, little guy? Timmy's fallen down the well?"

   A zombie friend of mine entered the NY city marathon,,, And if you MUST know,,, Yes, He came in dead-last

   Since Jesus's birthday and Christmas are on the same day this year I'm only giving him one present.

   Hey, parents of an ONLY child considering having one more,, know that I just split an M&M in half........ An M&M...... in HALF

   If Dave has 7 snakes and Greg gives him 4 more,,, what's with these guys and all their snakes?

   Getting my car fixed my a stoned mechanic. I know,, I know,, he's high maintenance

   God made everything + everything is made in China = God is Chinese???

   Mmm-Kay,,, The recipe said "turn the oven to 180 degrees," so I did... But now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   Men are from Mars,, Women are from Venus,, Then gays are definely from ???

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   Nintendo or Nintendon't,,,,, There is no nintendtry

   ur honor, I call GOD as my witness... *jury gasps*... *nothing happens*...*slowly, a man with a beard rises from the stands*... Dammit No Gary,,, sit down

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   actually "Deez Nutz" isn't that far away from holding up "the rear" of the pack

   Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*

   Please do me a solid and don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and extremely hard to light. -- The Janitor