Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”

   The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce

   Studies say that self inflicted bow and arrow suicides are down 1000 % since 1755.

   Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

   Can someone please update my Facebook status for me. I had ravioli for dinner.

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   *Sarah McLachlan holding me in her lap.... For just a few "likes" a day,,, You can help a poor guy that's starving for attention

   SCAM ALERT: If someone emails claiming to be your dad in heaven and needing $700 to pay a "be alive again fee".... t's a scammer not your dad.

   (to every zookeeper at every exhibit at the zoo).. ME: If that thing comes on to my lawn,, I'll shoot it

   Odd,, that Yahoo's search for a new CEO got only one result...

   OK... This Addiction with raking has got to stop,,,, If you pick up that rake again,,, I'm leafing....

   sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force

   I just remembed why I rarely post on FB..... As soon as I put a joke up, someone takes it seriously.

   If a guy ever gave birth to a baby,,, I would pay him $1000000 to go on TV and tell the world "meh,,, it hurt,, but not like that much"

   Sometimes I feel like babies only wanna hang out with you so they have someone to scream at...

   I'm sorry,,, But we need to find a way to somehow combine "Shark Week" and "New Years" into one event..