Snotty Funny Status Messages

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm

   I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.

   It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   "Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."... "Hmm,, Sounds like Irritable owl syndrome".. Doc prescribes a Tootsie pop...

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   Yes,, I'm just posting for the sake of posting.. I'm sorry that my posts aren't curing cancer like yours are.

   We have a very small hen house door,,,So you've probably guessed already...Sorry,, no fat chicks

   Hmmmmm,, You walk to the back of the dry cleaner's,,,,, and it's just a bunch of cats licking your shirts.

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   What's the minimum age a person has to be in order to get arrested for vandalism?............... Please tell me the answer is two,,,,,

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.