Funny Status Messages

   Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.

   Sometimes, inappropriate thoughts pop into my head, then dive head first onto my keyboard without ever slowing down.

   When my kids piss me off, I show them a picture of Rosie O'Donnell and tell them that's their real dad.

   The less you give a f$ck, the happier you will be.

   Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 4 minutes now.

   Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it's already embarrassed you.

   I see London. I see France. I see the Human Resources Office because I made an inappropriate observation.

   Okay KFC we get it , You have a boneless chicken product , ABOUT time , since EVERY other fast food restaurant has had them since the dawn of time ! Please stop the "I ate the bones" campaign....Thanks

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   People rarely hate you for your weaknesses, they hate you for your strengths.

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   I'm only guilty of flirtation. If that's a crime frisk me.

   I'm the kind of dirty you can't wash off.

   what do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummy bear

   Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.

   Jenna Marbles needs to STFU already and do porn

   Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't

   I've looked at trash cans that are more attractive than Nicki Minaj.

   No you may not "Axe" me a question, I don't speak Walmart.

   sneezing while brushing your teeth is not a good way to start your day...