Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   "Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP

   I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.

   So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

   Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

   The only time I ever heard of panic buying was when the bartender yelled, LAST CALL

   How absorbent is a cabbage leaf? Asking for a friend.

   Flights so low I got Bible study in Jerusalem tomorrow

   Today's drink: The Quarantini. It's a regular martini, but you drink it alone in your house.

   Realtor line of the day: "Folks can you see yourself quarantined in this beautiful 4 bedroom home?

   Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.

   The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol.

   Negative people have a problem for every solution.

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.