SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

   I'm surprised the back of soy milk cartons don't have missing hipster children.

   Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.

   The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.

   I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   Saw a beautiful set of teeth in Walmart tonight. Unfortunately they weren't all in the same mouth.

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.

   The Dukes of Hazzard was the best show ever, General Lee speaking

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.

   I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.

   Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   I'm starting a cult, calling it Sheenism, you pretty much just get drunk and do whatever the hell you want, but you get a free What Would Charlie do Bracelet.

   A fun thing to do to a friend that was drinking and driving is to put a sneaker on the windshield wiper the next morning.

   My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

   Here's hoping the wind at your back doesn't come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.