Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the food is so good you accidentally overeat to the point that you’re afraid you might die.

   Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.

   Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

   Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   Pink Floyd warned us about the school system over 50 years ago, and everyone slept on it.

   Foreign aid, taking money from poor people of a rich country and giving it to the rich people of a poor country.

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   Some girls will claim “he’s my world,” but that’s your fourth “world” this month. Are you building a solar system?

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   Life isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s a fight, a test.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   We thought that our ability for compassion made us human. Turns out, it was our ability to select each image containing a boat.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.

   Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”

   My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.

   Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?