Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon You add me to your mailing list without my permission or knowledge and now I have to go through your 10 step process to unsubscribe myself if I don’t want to continue receiving your spam?
←Rate | 09-01-2016 04:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY
←Rate | 09-02-2016 23:19 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon A lot of women love the "bad boy" mentality, so today I wore tennis shoes but had no intention of playing tennis.
←Rate | 09-03-2016 05:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials
←Rate | 09-08-2016 21:17 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.
←Rate | 09-10-2016 06:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I fashioned a Snuggie out of several ShamWows. I look like an idiot, but I'm extremely absorbent.
←Rate | 09-14-2016 05:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.
←Rate | 09-15-2016 02:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon According to state law, the other people waiting at the DMV are required to have a bad smell.
←Rate | 09-15-2016 02:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon First Law of Holes is: If you are in one .... Stop Digging.
←Rate | 09-17-2016 17:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.
←Rate | 09-18-2016 04:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.
←Rate | 09-20-2016 00:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No f***ing way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
←Rate | 10-02-2016 16:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Legally only qualifies as a hootenanny if it takes place in Kentucky or West Virginia.
←Rate | 10-03-2016 04:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You want to seduce me? Try a little Wicked Game by Chris Isaak.
←Rate | 10-03-2016 04:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …
←Rate | 10-03-2016 14:16 by thejoke.cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can't wait til this election travesty is over so we can all get back to disliking each other for reasons other than poor political choices.
←Rate | 10-05-2016 10:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anything with Hilary or Trump I just scroll without reading all the crap. From an English man looking for a decent status.
←Rate | 10-08-2016 15:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know what clowns are afraid of? Bullets.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 02:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.
←Rate | 10-10-2016 05:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.
←Rate | 10-14-2016 03:54 Comments (0)  




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