Snotty Funny Status Messages

   But how are you supposed to do the sheep inventory, and NOT fall asleep on the job??!!..... *I said to HR during my exit interview

   I gained so much Winter weight, I had to go buy a pregnancy test just to be sure

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed

   If you have feelings for me,,, thats your problem not mine,

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   "How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators

   They'll get it later, I tell myself after posets go unliked.... They'll all laugh later.

   If you've deactivated facebook, and someone tells you happy Birthday .. Marry that person

   If Evolution were REALLY a real thing,,,,, A LONG time ago, Men would have developed a defence to the ole "kick in the nuts"

   I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...