Funny Status Messages

   Screenplay I’m working on: The entire world is taken over by our phones when they become sentient. Title: Planet of the Apps

   I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

   "FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

   Cops just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside...

   A mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, "Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages."

   Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

   You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy

   I don't understand why this loan manager won't get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

   The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.

   By the third kid you say stuff like "here's a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later."

   Who would have thought - even our death is manufactured in China

   I've never Kung Fu kicked so many toilet seats in all my life.

   10th day without sports and I find a woman sitting on my couch, she says she's my wife. She seems nice

   You know that stash of fast food napkins in your glove box? It’s about to be their time to shine.

   We all need to join together and practice social distancing.

   Dear toilet paper companies I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

   I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them back into the fridge.