Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …

   Can't wait til this election travesty is over so we can all get back to disliking each other for reasons other than poor political choices.

   Anything with Hilary or Trump I just scroll without reading all the crap. From an English man looking for a decent status.

   You know what clowns are afraid of? Bullets.

   How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.

   Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.

   Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

   Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.

   After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.

   North Korea fired a Ballistic missile today. Guess they're out of Ballistic missiles now .

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

   Feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   If you are in a relationship and all you do is cry, you will have to ask yourself,"am I dating a human or an onion?"

   The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

   I need one of you to stand up at my funeral and ask for his toaster back... thanks in advance

   My diet can be best described as carb loading for a marathon I'll never run.