Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   If my boss saw how many cool things I post on Facebook in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

   I think it's only fair to throw Monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."