JAKE Funny Status Messages

   Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married.

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.

   My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.

   Confuius said "Never check the depth of water with both feet."

   Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.

   Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.

   The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence

   Woman are the only creatures to defly the laws of gravity. The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   People who don't have a dog, have to pick the food up them self that they drop on the floor .

   I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   The Quickest way to get a person to call you back. Take a bath.