Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING!

   Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so

   What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.

   No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?

   *Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart

   I sold my homing pigeon 137 times last year on eBay............................................................................Ha, Ha.

   Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"

   Wait !! Everybody stop posting,,,,, I dropped a contact lens

   My wife dropped her purse and now my balls hurt.

   My Hamster passed today,,,, Yeah, he fell asleep at the wheel.... :(

   [live debate] What's your stance on gun control?.......... *poses like a Charlie's Angel.......next question

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   "Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?"... Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job... "OK"... Number 7 will shock you..."You're hired"

   You can't buy a woman's love, but you can buy a human heart... Seriously, go look on Craigslist.

   DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°

   I ain't saying she's a gold digger but she has emphysema and is missing four fingers. Maybe she's a coal miner.

   IKEA is Swedish for "If you tell me it's not level again, I'm going to smash your head with this hammer,,,, Well then, JUST DIVORCE ME SUSAN"

   Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO.... He couldn't produce on the scale required to make a profit at current market prices and got foreclosed, EIEIO...