Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The C.D.C. says that more people die every year from Diarrhea than heart attacks??? That's NOT good news for me and my family because Diarrhea runs in my "genes",,,No really,, I've got Diarrhea in my "genes" right now

   Young Punks,,, In my day, all we had was "Dial-A-Joke",,, and we were grateful!

   Dear Roger Goodell,, Please remember the counsel you surround yourself with should be assets not asshats....

   *brings vuvuzela to knife fight.......... *gets stabbed by everybody on both sides

   When I was a kid, We were so poor the floor wasn't even lava,,, it was just kinda warm

   *at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell*

   How am I supposed to know if this cucumber fits if I can't take it into the changing room?

   Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'marriage' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.. Now we have like 50 million dumb guys still posting a bad joke over and over

   Michael J. Fox has friended and unfriended me 45 times in the last 30 seconds.

   It's VERY magnanimous of Donald Trump to only take $1 in Presidential salary,, $1 seems Very small,, until you realize that's it's still more than he paid in taxes

   I like big PUTTS & I can not lie,,, You other golfers can't deny,,, When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin, you get PAR

   A bird crapped in my hair earlier today,,, in case you were wondering why the birdhouse in my back yard has so many bullet holes in it.

   Have you seen the clown that hides from g@y people in Wal-mart?

   Why can't I find out anything on Google about this Superb Owl

   I'm just chilling tonight with my new plane............. Oops, I've said too much.

   *sees a knife for the first time..... "WHOA,,, that's the greatest thing since torn bread.."

   DIET TIP: If you eat an entire tub of hummus and a bowl of applesauce, you will poop a sandcastle complete with moat... I know that now

   When I burn something in the oven, I just get my guitar out and pretend it's a smoke machine

   What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.