Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.

   It's a shame that most things aren't pies... More things should be pies.

   Oh,, and BTW... I would be the worst pharmacist ever. One for you.. One for me... One for you... Two for me... None for you... The rest for me...

   Me: *Nibbles first on a breast,,,, Gently kisses a thigh.... KFC Manager: Sir, please stop narrating out loud. Thank you & enjoy your chicken.

   "Huh?" -Vincent Van Gogh................. "What?" -Ludwig von Beethoven

   If you love something, set it free... Maybe not sharks though, Or bees. Or viruses, Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   My favorite kinds of lists,,,,, # 1: short lists

   [medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

   Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.

   All I'm sayin is how do you expect your gluteus to be maximus,,, if you don't eat your bacon?

   well,, of course Sea Salt is better than regular salt cuz,, you know, ,,,, fish poop

   Remember,,, It takes more muscles to frown at a donut than to eat it.

   Drank two Monster Energy drinks,, and started my car by screaming at it... #boss

   Well technically,,, Every burger a bulimic girl eats is an In-N-Out burger.

   Sorry,,,, My dog ate my homework. -Culinary student.

   Hoarders have feelings too, you know,,,,,,,,,, They're around here somewhere,,, (moves empty pizza boxes around)

   I'm watching that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo poisons Rudy because he's jealous of her moustache

   I just want to find a radio station that isn't playing the new Adele song,,,, is that too much to ask.

   I lost my virginity when I was 9 while attempting an over-ambitious Pogo Stick trick.

   [Price Is Right with me in contestants row].. Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?.. Me: I don't want that.. Drew: Sir you have to bid.. Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.