Snotty Funny Status Messages

   This day in history in 1803. Louisiana Purchase was made by Thomas Jefferson. It added 828000 square miles to the USA,,, and later on that day, his wife hid his credit cards.

   This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs

   Finally!! Mankind gets a message from Mars... *The President reads it to all humanity YOUR FRIGGING ROBOT IS DOING DONUTS ON MY LAWN

   FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.

   Me: *places anti-diarrheal medication on checkout counter... Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"... Me: "No, I'll just go at home."

   *Buys a 3D printer... *With the 3D printer, prints a 3D printer... *Returns the origional 3D printer

   HI, MY NAME IS JOHN ITS BEEN OVER 3 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST LOWER CASE LETTER... I JUST WANT TO SAY THANKS, ITS A DAY TO DAY BATTLE, BUT I COULDNT DO IT WITHOUT YOU GUYS.

   Lets just put nicotine in coffee and be done with it.

   I think I'm gonna go hit the sack,,,, and then maybe go to bed

   I just got a new weed whacker today, And you could say,,,,,, (removes sunglasses) It's got, "Cutting hedge technology."

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that

   Read an interesting article about the "iPod" at the doctor's office today.

   *John Madden circles my face on the telestrator..... "Now here's a guy who sits down when he pees."

   Well sadly,,, The irony of being a horse, is that if you lift weights for a whole year,, you will still only have 1 horsepower.. Next question

   I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.

   Want to know something about me??? Well,,, ANYTHING a monkey points at,,,,, I will Immediately look at....

   Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.

   They pull a trumpet, you pull an oboe. He sends one of yours to the mezzanine, you send one of his to the loge. That's the philharmonic way.

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.