Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

   Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly

   Real friends don’t rub it in. They rub it out.

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but you already ate.

   I stopped wearing a mask and started carrying a chain saw everywhere . Social distancing isn't an issue for me :P

   If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

   the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

   Mandatory !! All mask must be worn with capes!

   World’s Most Dangerous Bees 6. Honey 5. Killer 4. Fris 3. Hucka 2. Zom 1. Apple

   I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

   I bought a World Map...gave my wife a dart and I said to her.."throw this dart and wherever it lands I'll take you there on our next vacation" .. Turns out we are spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!!

   I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

   Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica

   Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"

   The best sign of a happy loving relationship between two people on Valentine's Day is no sign of it all on Facebook.

   Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.

   I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.

   We've been conditioned to think that only politicians can solve our problems. At some point, perhaps one day we will actually wake up and recognize that that it was those politicians who actually created our problems in the first place.