Funny Status Messages

   If I hit snooze three times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I'll be out sick.

   It's very hard to make friends as an adult because once you're an adult you've realized you hate everyone.

   Why the hell should I have to opt out of something I never opted in? Why should I have to unsubscribe from something I never subscribed to in the first place. This is how serial killers are born.

   I have to recharge my phone so often that I basically have a landline again.

   Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.

   Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   If you are having a bad day, just remember someone in your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.

   Moving in with a woman is pretty much saying, "The sex is good enough to risk everything I own to be set on fire."

   Sometimes I step outside to look up at the stars and think to myself....damn I love peeing outside!!!

   Reasons Why Guys Stop Texting Girls: 1) He's Busy. 2) You didn't send nudes. 3) He has beer and football. 4) It's only been a day, calm down psycho.

   They're called 'selfies' because the only one who's interested in them is yourself.

   The 1 thing Liberals & Conservatives should agree on: The media is a mess. Get back to who's right not who's first.

   Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything, just put a cape on their dog.

   I don't really know the difference between yoga pants & leggings and frankly, I don't care.

   The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.

   i find it odd that there's never a yelp review for the yelp website

   Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   I need to stop lying to my therapist. I also just need to stop lying. I don't have a therapist.