Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The books aren't nearly as cute once you find out Waldo is a deadbeat dad.

   Pretending that your problems are not really there do not make you sane. You have to stick your fingers in your ears and hum also.

   Spider-Man : Can I be in the Avengers now? ... Captain America : Ummmm, sure... Spider-Man : What can I do?... Iron Man : You OK with Web-design?...

   I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

   *tries getting in touch with my feelings*...... *goes straight to voicemail*

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   If you take a step back and look at the bigger picture,,,, you'll agree it seems to have been photoshopped

   So far in this election cycle,,, If Aliens ARE watching us,, it's safe to say they think we are retarded.

   BTW: Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

   Would it be bad to eat a bowl of my son's Flintstone vitamins as a snack?,,,, Hahaha, I’m just kidding; I have no idea whose son this is.

   I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile... The rest of you 96% are stupid

   If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

   It's 2015,,,, why do babies still have cords

   My advice for new parents: 1. You'll make mistakes... 2. Use the five second rule... 3. All kids are different... 4. You're a terrible parent.

   I know "C.G.I." is getting more and more realistic,,,,, but I can almost always tell if a movie has real dinosaurs or not.

   Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?

   How to walk UP the down escalator:... Step 1:... Step 1:.... Step 1:... Step 1:...Step 1:...