Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's October and soon you'll see those orange round things with scary carved faces everywhere. That's right, the cast of Jersey Shore is on tour.

   oh your looking for a 'cuddle buddy'. Maybe if you took down your Duck Face, YOLO T-shirt wearing pics you'd have a better chance at finding one. No guy wants to cuddle with a Mallard that says YOLO.

   People who marry for money over love usually end up cheating for love over money!

   Why do men complain when women order a salad at dinner? She's doing your poor ass a favor.

   The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

   Just played the board game Clue, The "Who killed music" version. Well turns out it was Nicki Minaj, in the studio, with a microphone.

   Facebook is for Leaders.....Twitter is for Followers

   Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you've made in their life. It's not me. I think your an idiot.

   I don't blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers :/

   Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...

   Wife gets a $20 gift card for Victoria's Secret, spends $380. Husband gets a $10 Lowes gift card, spends $12...

   Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...

   The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut

   relationships are a lot like algebra. have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

   I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed"

   Non-psychotic people don't wear "Build Back Better" paraphernalia, they loot, burn and kill.

   We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

   You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

   If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don't tell her to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.