BEGO Funny Status Messages

   I would slap you but that would be animal abuse

   That one ex you don't want the world to know you dated.

   Sunglasses were invented so you can stare at me while you're with your girlfriend.

   It's Friday for me and Monday for my liver.

   what if I just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in my mouth

   At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a damn video proving it.

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Restarting the whole song because you missed your favorite line.

   BEST ADVICE: Stick to One-Night-Stands, The biggest cause of marriage is dating.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when the person across the aisle is reading it?

   I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?

   That disappointing feeling you get when you unlock the black guy in temple run and realize he's not any faster.

   I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.

   How we man wake up in the morning. Brain: Oh Fu&k. Body: Dont get up. Dic&: This is SPARTA..

   I swear Idiots are like the Air ...they're everywhere..

   If I was a bird, I know who I'd s**t on first...

   Investigate your friends before they investigate you, because some of them work with your enemy's..

   What I hate most about Twitter: Is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.