Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Jokes on you Lent,,, I already gave up.

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   [Stares deeply into my wifes' eyes before going to the bathroom]... "I counted those fries Susan."

   I enjoy long romantic scrolls on my phone.

   The first rule of chess club: If you've ever seen a boob you're the hero of chess club.

   It is a FACT: Girls with cats, are WAY more single than girls with dogs.

   I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

   Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.

   The "mayday" button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the "let me show you my weiner" button,,, 'cause that's all it's gonna be used for.

   Just once, I want someone to look at me and say,, “That’s him, He’s the one”...And not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage”

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   The irony is,, Girl dogs do not even talk about their girl friends behind their backs...

   I washed my hands of OCD...... Again.

   King Arthur: "What size and shape should we make the table?"................Sir Mix-a-lot: " I LIKE 'EM ROUND...AND BIG!"

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   "There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

   "What did I do?" -- the horse you rode in on.

   So, is Charles still in charge or what?

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"