JAKE Funny Status Messages

   Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.

   My memory is so bad that.............

   You know you're getting old when you use the word "thingy" because you can't remember what things are called.

   To keep the kids occupied all day on Easter, only hide 3 eggs for the Earter egg hunt.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.

   Always plan ahead...... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

   If athletes get athlete's foot and tennis players get tennis elbow. What do gynecologists get........ Tunnel vision.

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.

   Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.

   such an adrenaline junky that when I see a 'caution wet floor sign' I walk faster

   Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.

   Difference between a G spot and a golf ball. Guys will search for a golf ball.

   I don't need Google...... My wife knows everything.

   When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.

   View the world the way you would like it to be, and not as it is. It's less stressful.

   Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.

   After 10 years of marriage my wife finally made me happy in the bedroom. She put in a 42'' tv a min fridge full of beer and she sleeps in the spare bedroom.

   If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.