Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Just saw a homeless man with a blue tooth. It was his only tooth.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   Never kiss anyone who's constantly saying things taste like shi t.

   Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.

   Pay attention kids. I'm about to prove nothing good ever comes from getting out of bed.

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion

   Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.

   "So You Think You Can Tickle A Polar Bear" is a show that I would love to watch.

   You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.

   Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.

   After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

   Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   I wish judging other people burned calories!

   A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste…

   There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.

   If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.

   Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.