Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is nothing else to hope for, but for things to get better.

   Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

   I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.

   It’s 4/19 - don’t forget to put milk and cookies out for Willie Nelson tonight.

   Planning an exotic vacation with $12.50 in the bank.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. The star is dead, just like your dreams.

   I like to make people who hate me, hate me even more.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   All of us: Ministry of “truth”, inflation, supreme court leak, border crisis, war. Mainstream Media: “Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard.”

   Then the son asked his dad, “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”

   Woman makes misconduct claim against Elon Musk, like clockwork.

   Land-o-lakes ~ they got rid of the Indian and kept the land.

   If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be hell toupee.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if it knew its descendant would turn out to be a Pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   Triggered! Go dip your head in some radical raspberry Kool aid and have a cookie. Oh, and logout… your mum will be home soon.