djjackson Funny Status Messages

   Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

   If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   My paperless origami business folded.

   I'm pretending. That way, when it comes time to tend, I'll be ready.

   Doctor Cathy told me I was really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.

   I asked the waitress if I could ask her a question about the menu, please. She said the men I please is none of your business.

   This week's weather forcast...Monday: Room Temperature Tuesday: Room Temperature Wednesday: Room Temperature Thursday: Room Temperature Friday: Room Temperature

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   When 50 cent got hungry... 58

   Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it.

   I got a case of corona from walmart and I never felt better!

   I went to the bank today. I saw a man with a mask and gloves come in and thank God he was just there to rob the place.