Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.