Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   I fart on a first date.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.