Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who needs health insurance when this current administration makes you want to die every half hour on the hour?

   Melania better drink a lot of coffee and water today, because it will take several minutes of getting peed on to help the Donald recover from this blow.

   Note to self - playing the Trump card isn't as effective when the Trump is a joker.

   I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   I never calculate a risk before I take it.

   How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.

   I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.

   When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.

   Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.

   Sweet!!! I just found a Trump University degree inside a box of Cracker Jack.

   Next time you feel like running around naked, please spray yourself with windex...it prevents streaking.

   Kanye West is disappointed to find "You're So Vain" wasn't about himself.

   I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in from of everyone in the grocery store.

   Strange Jeopardy Categories: Does this look infected to you?

   Before the internet, no one had successful spelled the word "hemorrhoids".

   I haven't dated since the 1990's, do people still use the pickup line "Wassssssupp?"

   Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick.