Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its so hot outside, the little devil that sits on my shoulder trying to be a bad influence just jumped off my shoulder and started digging his way back to hell.

   The Dallas Cowboys just offered OJ a 2 year contract.

   If I was out there on a boat or scuba diving, It'd be "shart week" for me

   Ian Hart wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell

   When Kim Fatass Un bombs us, are we gonna blame Obama?

   I just got fired for cooking broccoli in the company break room.

   Happy August 4! The International Beer Day!

   I think my cat is a Scientologist.

   One doesn't know, what they don't know, untill they don't know it.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!

   The body of a man was found in Pizza Hut this morning, covered in cheese, tomatoes, onions and peperami Police are working on the theory that he may have topped himself!!

   I'm sure the white house has leaks....it's an old building

   Looks like all the funny kids are back in school...

   What's better than a talking cat? A spelling bee.

   This planet is serious messed up. 407,000 Americans died fighting fascism in world war 2. Now Trump is disrespecting those heroes by letting Nazis match across America.

   I was grocery shopping today and when I was finished I went to the checkout line. The lady at the register said "Did you find everything you were looking for?" I said "No. I was looking for a $100 bill in the Rice Krispies section I but didn't find one."

   I see that you live next door to a pilot. You know, pile it here and pile it there.

   Alt-Left + Alt-Right = DELETE I am an independent. Enough said... Go Home!!!

   I once took a dump that was shaped like a pretzel. I $h!t you knot...

   Adrenalin highs are my favorite, it helps me conserve my weed. . .