Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Interesting Fact: The belt is actually the first "original" ADHD medicine.

   Can we just move on from Netflix and chill? What happened to picking up girls on their front porch with flowers for an actual date?!?!

   Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

   Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....

   Remember folks...the left wing and the right wing are all part of the same bird!

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.

   Just when I thought I'd never get the chance to hear a Presidential candidate say "schlong"..

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose

   Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.

   Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."

   OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

   I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

   My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.