Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Strangers have the best candy..

   If life had a reset button. Mine would probably be worn off due to over pressing it.

   I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.

   It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison and drugs are really expensive in prison.

   People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle.

   A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

   [after a rap battle] hey how did you know all that stuff about my mom?

   Women who have breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   I hope that people I've hurt can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Those that hurt me, I hope you're aware of yourself rotting away as the earth reclaims your wretched flesh.

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

   In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.

   Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.

   I rather be tired from working than to be broke.

   You: Cows are friends, not food. Me: Name one cow you’re friends with.

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"