Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy 
The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.
My boss doesn't realize that I'm cleverly disguised as an adult.
the Victorian Government has released a damage report statement concerning yesterdays 5.3 earthquake, that have stated that the damage bill could run into millions of dollars worth of improvments!
you showed up in my toxicology report
I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.
I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.
Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!
Grim Reaper: I have come for you Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are. That’s how the fight started
Hope I don't get any trick-or-treaters this year as restaurants stop giving away fast food condiments.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them. WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out. She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Why do we call them “stoners” and not “your highness” 