unknowncomic Funny Status Messages

   Million dollar idea: Uber but for gift wrapping. That way my wife wouldn't think an epileptic monkey on crack wrapped her gift.

   Ugh. None of my Facebook friends have accepted my "Take Seven B&W Pictures of Your Life Print them Poster-Size, Tint them with Watercolors, Scan Them, Increase Vibrance by 50% then Post Each One with a 3-Word Description Challenge".

   If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?

   It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.