scstarman Funny Status Messages

   HEY, I wrote the manual on ADD…. Well, it's not actually a manual. It's only 3 sentences…. The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.

   Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.

   One of the best feelings ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

   Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great..... But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better. Just sayin'....

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.

   I’ve come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   I'd give five bucks to hear Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel"...