Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.