Derek Funny Status Messages

   These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.

   I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet

   I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.

   My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "

   To all the women I have slept with, I have herpes....and you thought I'd forget you on Valentine's Day

   I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.

   If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes