BENDER Funny Status Messages

   I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter.

   One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."

   I could never be a hardcore gangsta rapper because there's probably a limit to how much you can enjoy a scone in public.

   I'm so blessed that I'm not the type of person who says "I'm so blessed."

   A lot of ladies use fancy face creams at night to look younger, where as I just wear my retainer and read “The Hunger Games”.

   Imagine how many more YouTube hits that "Kony 2012" video would have had if they had included a cat with his head stuck in a paper bag.

   The Man With The Yellow Hat is going to scold Curious George once too often and then be known as The Man With The Yellow Hat And No Face.

   I would take Eddie Money's second ticket to paradise, then hope we're not seated together.

   I know New Year's Eve is long past, but I still like to kiss strangers at the stroke of midnight each night. The key is to not wake them.

   They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.