Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I overheard two people at work talking something about removing stubborn fat. Look, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but that's no reason to call me that name and try to get me fired.

   "With great b( . )( . )bs comes great responsibility".

   There should be a calorie refund for things that didn't taste as good as you expected

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

   Thanks to a 60" HD TV, a DVR, and a "pause" button on my remote, it only took 3 hours for me to watch the 1 hour Victoria Secrets show.

   I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm out in public. Thanks.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to that is until she got that restraining order.

   When I'm bored I like going to down to the train station, making eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   Ryan Lochte is going to be a father, which proves that no matter how stupid you may be, it only takes one strong swimmer to get somebody pregnant.

   Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.

   This is getting serious folks .... According to a report in Washington Post unnamed sources in the CIA are reporting that according to hacked e-mails, Vladimir Putin was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.

   Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   it is it Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, Chanuka, Chanukkah, Hanuka, Channukah, Chanukka, Hanukka, Hannuka, Hannukkah, Channuka, Xanuka, Hannukka, Channukkah, Channukka, Chanuqa, Khanuká, or חֲנֻכָּה‎?

   My therapist says I'm paranoid. Which is exactly what you might expect to hear from a shape-shifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts after they planted a microchip in my brain.

   Know what makes me mad? When I get a Cornucopia that has no corn or ucopia.

   Listening to terrestrial radio nowadays is the equivalent to plugging into someone else's IPod.