Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was enjoying watching a monkey at the zoo flinging his poop at all the spectators until I realized I was at home and watching the daily White House presser.

   That TP logo from the campaign seems appropriate now, given all the B S leaking out of this administration.

   Truth is truth even if nobody believes it. Lies are still lies even if everybody believes it.

   Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

   Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Hey you Dummy-crats. Trump has been in office for 60 days..might as well relax you got a long time before the next election. Now go cry somewhere else.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   Respect must be earned, even when you are a fat, rich white guy with an important job.

   I can't be the only one who is concernd about the White House burning down if all of Donald Trump's pants catch fire. Not only does he have a lot of pants, but they are yuuuuge pants.

   Marla Maples is in favor or border security. She lost her job to an immigrant too.

   The Monk's "Nice Legs, Shame About your Face" is trump's favorite song about selecting a Senior Counselor for his administration ... and third wives.

   Meanwhile, in hell, the Devil is all like ... "What have I done?"

   Spicer reminds me of a toddler who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and crumbs on his face, trying to convince everyone that he wasn't the person who took the cookies.

   The hardest working position in the White House is Donald Trump's belt.

   Melania and Kellyanne look like someone took two attractive models, and then smooshed their faces around until they didn't quite look right.

   Meatloaf's "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" is Trump's favorite song about what is the appropriate percentage of your wives who should be immigrants.

   Careful Ivanka. The boss in your new office is very handsy with attractive young women.

   Did Trump's physician say he would be the fittest President in history? If anything, he might be the fattest President in history.