Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.

   Sorry there will be no April Fools day prank coming out of the white house. They already did by putting Trump in office.

   Every time at Subway they make you a bad sandwich, shove it in their mouth.

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.

   Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   What's the difference between a illegal and a park bench??? A park bench can support a family

   The pinata is a great way for Mexicans to teach their kids to beat something till they get what they want.

   Musl/ms dont use toilet paper. Starbucks vows to hire 10,000 of them. Enjoy your coffee.

   Trumps first hour in the whitehouse - Clean up all the crack baggies

   Hillary Clinton was caught telling the truth today.... April Fools!

   BREAKING: Mike Flynn's microwave just offered to testify in exchange for immunity.

   Wonders if Mike Pence sleeps upside down from his ceiling in his house with no furniture.

   Miss the days when a White House scandal only involved the Oval Office and an intern with dirty knees.

   The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?

   Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.