Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must be emotionally impotent, I haven't given a f**k in months

   NOTICE: To the people who have flashing blue and red Christmas lights in their yard.....can you remove them, please? Every time I pass by, I think it is the cops and I have to remove my foot from the gas, slam on the brakes, put my seatbelt on, throw my p

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.

   Dear Santa: This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body ... And please don't get it backwards like you did last year!!!

   Yup.... No matter how old you are .... an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube will always become a Star Wars light saber.

   The Media is now reporting that Christmas is actually a Russian plot hatched by Putin & Trump to lure people into a false sense of Joy. They are urging that we reject any feelings of joy and focus on being angry at the 2016 Election results.

   If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.

   I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Guns, Bacon and T|t$.

   Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....

   My favorite form of gratification is instant.

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.

   My New Years Resolution for 2016 is to stop procrastinating.

   I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.

   It's so cold now, when I turn on Netflix I call it "Netflix & get chilled"

   Turns out some things are better left unsaid .... Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   my stock portfolio tanked again.....can I get a welfare check?

   Apparently when you lose an election ... It is important to let the entire nation know that it was the other guys fault .... Just like when we were kids.

   I overheard two people at work talking something about removing stubborn fat. Look, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but that's no reason to call me that name and try to get me fired.