Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar. I whisper, "I got that when I fell off the toilet," .

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   Tom Brady's jersey would have never been stolen if we had a wall. There, I said it.

   I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

   Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"

   Job Hunting Tip: Before you go into a job interview, Dump Gatorade over your head so everyone knows your a winner.

   DOES TRUMP ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING besides watch TV, play golf and tweet?

   NBC should get Hillary Clinton to replace Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of "Celebrity Apprentice" just to mess with Trump.

   How long before Donald Trump claims the Obama White House assassinated JFK?

   How dare Emma Watson pose nude for publicity? Who does she think she is, the First Lady?

   US added 235,000 jobs in February. To be fair, most of those were fact checkers reporting on Trump.

   If Donald Trump cuts funding for Sesame Street how will he ever learn to read?

   Trump spends so much time golfing that if he doesn't qualify for the PGA Tour by the end of his presidency he's a failure.

   The only thing that could make Trump's approval rating worse would be if he joined Tinder.

   Why do we get the feeling that Melania Trump would rather stay at a crappy Holiday Inn than at the White House with Donald?

   Trump tells GOP lawmakers they need to respect the wishes of the people that got them elected. I think he means the Kremlin.

   Sean Spicer told me that my poor eating habits and lack of exercise only play a limited role in my weight gain.