Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 college millennials and force them to live in the real world.

   I love pizza because it doesn't judge and tell me I'm doing it wrong when I eat it drunk.

   The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one.

   When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.

   Rosie O'Donnell called Donald Trump "mentally unstable." Gee, Rosie. Has one of his children ever run away because of *his* mental instability?

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   I wake up feeling like a golden statue....everyone else is the pigeons

   It's always cute when people say "looks don't matter".

   Having not ever watched Mega Kelly on FOX, I'm pleased to announce that I will now not be watching her on NBC.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on.

   What are nudes? Someone show me.

   If the Russians could actually hack elections ... Do you really think Putin would have tollerated 8 years of Obama?

   What do you call a Missing Mexican ? ; Hevas Erbefor

   I need something like an epi pen, but filled with caffeine.

   Dear Mariah: It's not as easy as it looks. -Milli Vanilli

   I wish I loved anything as much as yankees love fireworks. #nojobbutcanaffordfireworks

   As far as Mariah Carey's lip-synch debacle on New Year's Eve goes, I wasn't paying close enough attention. I was organizing an "over-under" pool as to how many walnuts she could crush with those thighs at one time.

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.

   How come Sanctuary cities have the fastest growing crime rates?

   How come Sanctuary cities are only effective for one type of criminal?