Funny Status Messages

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.

   Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   What's the difference between a illegal and a park bench??? A park bench can support a family

   The pinata is a great way for Mexicans to teach their kids to beat something till they get what they want.

   Musl/ms dont use toilet paper. Starbucks vows to hire 10,000 of them. Enjoy your coffee.

   Trumps first hour in the whitehouse - Clean up all the crack baggies

   Hillary Clinton was caught telling the truth today.... April Fools!

   BREAKING: Mike Flynn's microwave just offered to testify in exchange for immunity.

   Wonders if Mike Pence sleeps upside down from his ceiling in his house with no furniture.

   Miss the days when a White House scandal only involved the Oval Office and an intern with dirty knees.

   The EPA is rejecting science in favor of blind faith in mega-conglomerates who prize profit over humanity. That's why it was created, right?

   Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.

   Trump has been divorced three times. From: 1) Ivanka. 2) Marla. 3) Reality.

   Every day is April Fools if you voted for Trump.

   Don't get Donald Trump started on how Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd is no match for Dreamy Eyes Sean Hannity.

   Wonder if Donald is going to borrow money from Vladimir Putin to pay for Trump University lawsuit.

   Want to help mexicans? Forget protesting the wall. Get your family on heroin.

   I installed an energy saving water heater this morning. It's a tankless job but somebody has to do it.

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?