Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.

   Arron Hernadez's lawyer: "Hang in there" Arron Hernadez: "will do"

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...

   No officer I'm not a drug mule. I just like sticking things up my butt.

   Bill O'Reilly turned the No Spin Zone into the Hoe Sin Zone.

   raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine

   Some people say marijuana makes you dumb, but I smoke all the time and my IQ is 420.

   They say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think the bulb might be blown

   I just put my phone on airplane mode and it dragged me out of my seat

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is hanging by a thread waiting on his guilty verdict.

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

   After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands.

   Wow, that was embarrassing. I tried to non-chalantly touch one of Ivanka's breasts and ended up holding hands with the President.

   Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.

   Breaking news .. a White House to hire Bill O'Reilly and appoint him as chair of women's rights committee.

   How can Bill O'Reilly be fired. The President assured as he is a good guy and didn't do anything wrong.

   Much like the Atlanta Falcons, Aaron Hernandez choked in the end.

   Why is anybody sad about Aaron Hernandez killing himself? He is a murderer. It's funny how people act like he's an angel now.

   Aaron Hernandez's suicide just means 1 more Patriot wont be visiting the White House Today...