Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Russia doesn't have to do what the UN wants. Not when they have videos of their ugliest call girls peeing on our ugliest President.

   America's enemies must be shaking in fear of this new "All talk, no action" approach to foreign problems. I mean Trump can really, really talk.

   The first rule of rich, powerful, white guy club is we didn't do anything wrong because we are rich, white and powerful.

   Hey Donald, if Uncle Bill had sexually harassed Ivanka, would he still be a "good guy", or is it okay as long as you have lots of power over the victim.

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   Bill O'Reilly and Bill Cosby walk into a bar. Everyone immediately covers their drinks in fear.

   Melania Trump did her part in saving American jobs by having her official portrait taken at a local Sears Photo Studio.

   Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.

   The President's old Ferrari sold at auction for $270,000. It would've sold for more but it had some pre-existing conditions.

   If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?

   North Korea fired a Ballistic missile today. Guess they're out of Ballistic missiles now .

   Tony Romo threw in the towel today, even that was intercepted.

   The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"

   There have been only two authentic geniuses in the world, Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare. — Tallulah Bankhead

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but every time she eats a banana she automatically puts one hand behind her head.

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.