Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   Donald Trump's still calling the Iran deal the worst deal he's ever witnessed. Was he not there when he signed for his casinos & airline?

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   Steve Bannon removed from National Security Council due to a scheduling conflict involving drinking.

   Surely hope insurance companies start classifying "delusional people who think the President is doing a good job" as a pre-existing condition.

   While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.

   The Trump administration has removed endangered species protections for parrots. Polly hates a cracker.

   To everyone in the northern hemisphere, I apologize for the odious stenches emanating from my rear end this evening.

   All the abortions the democrats have.. They must be aborting the good looking ones.

   Alternate use for bags - Make democrats fu.ckable

   In the 2020 election, remember... Bernie is with her...

   Hillary and Barry Obama are going to have matching ankle braclets after federal prison.

   Fox News .. we put the @ss in seaxual harassment.

   Donald Trump public ally supports Bill O'Reilly. In other news, dozens of female White House staff change their mind about speaking out against sexual harassment. Kellyanne silently weeps while tiny fingers rub her thigh.

   I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.

   Kinda odd that Bill Clinton screwed everything but wont do Hillary.

   The only way you tards are gonna push Hillary through now is with a time machine.

   Trump removed abandon from NSC so he can devote more time to his role as the White House liaison with the K K K.

   Unfortunately for The Donald, he can't fake a Foot injury to get out of this war.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.