Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

   If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

   A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

   Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

   Red flag laws sound great until you realize you’re labeled crazy for thinking 5-year-olds shouldn’t attend drag shows.

   Welcome to middle age, berry flavored tums are dessert now.

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   The CDC recommends wearing your mask on your butt to protect against Monkeypox.

   The biggest mistake you make with us truth-seekers, is you think we want to be right. Trust me, we wish we were wrong.

   A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.

   One sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

   Accomplishing the impossible means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

   When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.

   A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

   My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

   Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

   Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up making love. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

   My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.

   A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

   Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication Me: Why am I not surprised Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication