Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last week's media: OMG! President Trump and our enemy Putin are obviously best friends. This is unacceptable !!! This week's media: OMG! President Trump upset our friend Putin. This is an unacceptable !!!

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.

   I sure am glad Hillary didn't get elected because we'd still have Obamacare and be at war with Syria.

   "What will we get for bombing Syria besides more debt and a possible long term conflict? Obama needs Congressional approval." - Donald Trump on 29th August 2013

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here screwing sheep.”

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   All these great deals we were promised must be happening on days that I am not watching the news.

   Trump spent ten minutes complaining about Pearl Harbour until an aide pulled him aside to explain that China and Japan were two different countries.

   The Chinese President accidentally called Steve Bannon "Mr. President" because all these white guys look the same.

   I think what America really wants from the Trump clan is a pillow fight between Tiffany and Ivanka, or maybe a round of jello wrestling.

   In order to keep his family involved, Trump has appointed Melania head of the Department of mining, given her background as a gold digger.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!