Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 971 of 6446

I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
←Rate |
04-25-2017 08:48
Comments (0)

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.
←Rate |
04-25-2017 08:41
Comments (0)

I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures
←Rate |
04-25-2017 03:01 by Eddy
Comments (0)

I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate |
04-24-2017 16:41
Comments (1)

FOX needs to hire more women who look like Rachel Madcow. Problem solved.

The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough...
←Rate |
04-24-2017 10:45
Comments (0)

I got in touch with my feminine side this morning. I made myself breakfast.

The Fate of the Furious: mindless drivel supported by today's mindless moviegoers. Proving how easy it is nowadays to separate an idiot from his money.
←Rate |
04-24-2017 03:21
Comments (2)

I think it's isensitive for Batman movies to be rated PG
←Rate |
04-23-2017 23:01
Comments (0)

Kids today have no idea how to manage their time. Back in my day, I was able to do 18 holes and still found to to play golf.
←Rate |
04-23-2017 21:53 by Frank
Comments (0)

it possible to get herpes over the internet? Asking for a friend who's dead meat when my wife, I mean his wife finds out. Come on, she was hot!

The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted a paper or plastic bag. I said plastic. She goes, "You must have a pretty girlfriend."

It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 19:02 by snotty
Comments (11)

Apparently today is Earth Day? I wish someone would have told me that before I went outside and cut millions of blades of grass in half and poisoned the yellow flowers in my yard. (actually, I would have done it anyway)
←Rate |
04-22-2017 16:47
Comments (0)

Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 16:46
Comments (0)

Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 14:57 by Mick
Comments (0)

Progressive Rock: A musical genre which requires an inordinate amount of time and skill to write, rehearse, record and perform, only to bore 90% of all music fans to tears.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 14:22 by Blozart
Comments (0)

Q: What's Better Than A Rose On Your Piano? A: Tulips On Your Organ.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 12:57 by Mick
Comments (0)

It’s the 47th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 11:03
Comments (0)

Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.
←Rate |
04-22-2017 10:40 by Mick
Comments (0)