Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.

   I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   FOX needs to hire more women who look like Rachel Madcow. Problem solved.

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough...

   I got in touch with my feminine side this morning. I made myself breakfast.

   The Fate of the Furious: mindless drivel supported by today's mindless moviegoers. Proving how easy it is nowadays to separate an idiot from his money.

   I think it's isensitive for Batman movies to be rated PG

   Kids today have no idea how to manage their time. Back in my day, I was able to do 18 holes and still found to to play golf.

   it possible to get herpes over the internet? Asking for a friend who's dead meat when my wife, I mean his wife finds out. Come on, she was hot!

   The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted a paper or plastic bag. I said plastic. She goes, "You must have a pretty girlfriend."

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   Apparently today is Earth Day? I wish someone would have told me that before I went outside and cut millions of blades of grass in half and poisoned the yellow flowers in my yard. (actually, I would have done it anyway)

   Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.

   Progressive Rock: A musical genre which requires an inordinate amount of time and skill to write, rehearse, record and perform, only to bore 90% of all music fans to tears.

   Q: What's Better Than A Rose On Your Piano? A: Tulips On Your Organ.

   It’s the 47th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.