Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids today have no idea how to manage their time. Back in my day, I was able to do 18 holes and still found to to play golf.

   it possible to get herpes over the internet? Asking for a friend who's dead meat when my wife, I mean his wife finds out. Come on, she was hot!

   The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted a paper or plastic bag. I said plastic. She goes, "You must have a pretty girlfriend."

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   Apparently today is Earth Day? I wish someone would have told me that before I went outside and cut millions of blades of grass in half and poisoned the yellow flowers in my yard. (actually, I would have done it anyway)

   Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.

   Progressive Rock: A musical genre which requires an inordinate amount of time and skill to write, rehearse, record and perform, only to bore 90% of all music fans to tears.

   Q: What's Better Than A Rose On Your Piano? A: Tulips On Your Organ.

   It’s the 47th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   New US census report says nearly 1/3 of all millennials live with their parents. How many moulinyans live with their baby daddy?

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through

   I was on the bus today and farted. Four people turned around. I thought I was on the voice.

   You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.

   This Uber app is the worst dating site ever. A lot of dates but zero action...

   4/21 Happy National Suprise Drug Test Day!

   Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.