Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening

   Why can't Star Wars fans ever get laid? Because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.

   Difference between cinco de mayo and St Patrick day is that no one wants to be a Mexican on cinco de mayo

   What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.

   Cinco de Mayo makes me long for a world in which all holidays are conveniently named after the dates on which they fall.

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   I'm going to celebrate Cinco de Mayo by puking tequila and gorditas on the side of a Taco Bell. i

   Woke up this morning to find mets In 1st place . Then I realized my phone was upside down

   Let’s pretend like we just went camping. When you wake up the next morning, you notice that your underwear is on backwards. Would you tell anyone about it? If your answer is no, do you want to go camping?

   I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.

   Cold cereal is the sweatpants of food.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.

   You're right Donald J. Trump, no one has ever asked why the Civil War happened, except for every seventh-grade teacher in America.

   It’s May 4 soon, the one day of the year when Star Wars fans celebrate being able to use quite possibly the best pun in the world: “May the Fourth be with you”.

   666 is no longer the number of evil. It is now 45.

   The ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, and the salami is hatching from its own egg. Why did I even come into the Salvador Deli?

   William Henry Harrison had a better first 100 days than Trump, and he was dead for 69 of them.