Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

   NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..

   I have to go shopping. I got run over by a steam roller yesterday and need to get me a pair of size 200 x 14 pants.

   I can't make you love me, but I can hold your head underwater until you stop breathing.

   Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   I like to hold hands at the movies... but it always seems to freak out strangers.

   To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.

   Anyone look in the mirror and it looks like you have hail damage on the back of your thighs . Asking for a friend.

   I identified a body yesterday. "That's a body!" I said.

   Watching the hilights of the rockets yesterday and it looked like Harden had his talent stole by the Monstars #spacejam3

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   According to my neighbor's rooster this morning it was 5am. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

   So ABC/Disney cancel "Last Man Standing".... The Hollywood left strikes again.

   Remember when perjury was a crime punishable by being fired or jail. Now its against the law for republicans.

   Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.

   If you love someone who doesn't love you, means you are waiting for a ship at the airport!

   PRO TIP: You Can't be under FBI investigation if there's no FBI Director.

   Looks like Comey will now be able to wake up every morning and watch The View.

   If there is such a thing as reincarnation, please let me come back as anything but a middle-aged woman upset over guys who dump her after 3 days.

   Came home from work so tired that I decided to just lie down and relax. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was my butt just catching up.